Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Space and Time


I was told to be careful and not write so sporadically. That blog readers want regular updates.
Well, I am already telling you, you will be disappointed. 
I cant keep a schedule and words do a funny dance with me.
At times, words are formed in my heart but refuse to be birthed onto this blog.
I let them sit in my heart, mediate on them and if I feel they will add value, I will share. Otherwise I will allow them to recede into my aging memory.

But I do apologize for not writing in October. I need use the time and space productively - working on how to come back to myself...Homecoming.
The month proved useful as a way to take time and observe my life and create space for myself, to take the necessary actions.



TIME AND SPACE

October was a special month. 
It was leading up to November - a significant and reflective month for me.
I also had a lot of work related activities. This required TIME out of cyberspace to "watch myself", to see if the same corporate pressure points persist. 
It has been great to see how I react now, to the same corporate bullies and butt kissers. I can see progress, but I am a long way off from the woman I want to be. But gains will be celebrated and we did in October.

My mom had a birthday in October. My mother is special to me, not just because she is my mom, but because her life has taught me so much. She had to be strong, train herself and push herself through some really tough life moments. I am so proud of who she is, because I know what it took for her to be who she is today.
Her birthday made me pray, that one day I be a mom that my kids would love as much as I love her. I hope that TIME comes for me.

October reminded me, of the need to take frequent TIME outs and create SPACE for myself. Its important to reflect on whether I am working towards my own dreams, or just living out what is expected of me.
You can forget to chase your dreams, chasing other peoples you know.
You can forget during weeks of conferences, coffee breaks and family events.
You can forget during extra mural school activities, part time classes and performance appraisals at work.
You can forget, tapping on many "hearts" whilst scrolling down Instagram.
You can forget yourself...if you don't make time for self, and create space for yourself to course correct.



Watching my family gather around my mom during her birthday, made me remember that I once had a dream of my own family. Like everyone, born in the early 80s, I thought I'd be married by now, with my 2.5 kids. 
My life took me down a different road but the dream persists.

I hope to get married, but the older you get, it seems the less you can publicly express this. Like all dreams, it seems you cant mention them after a certain age.
People stop saying what job they want, fearing they'll sound unrealistic or ungrateful.
People stop saying what type of partner they want, fearing people will call them unrealistic.
People stop saying they want a baby, because people tell them they are too old or too poor or too something...

People stop saying their dreams out loud, not realizing that the problem is not with them, but with their audience.
You see, if you say something out loud, and someone tears it down with no facts or sound reasons, its because you have unmasked a fear in them. You've touched a nerve.
Its almost like they are saying "how dare, you dream of that?", "how dare you think you can get that?".
BUT YOU CAN friend!

I can still dream of my marriage. Having someone who chooses, rationally and emotionally, to travel through their lives with you, is special. My parents have been married for about 37 years. they met at school. Even through their highs and lows, they still have each other's backs. I dreamed of this.
And it will happen.

With Homecoming, honesty with oneself is priority, a vital elements of self love. 
Lets not be so ashamed to admit the things we want. 
Those we tell are just as scared to hear them - and dreams have no expiry date...never!

So here I am admitting that I still want that awesome friend to call hubby and go home to after another crazy week. Here I am saying out loud that I pray I meet him soon, so we can kick off our incredible journey together.

Here is me saying out loud that we deserve our dreams!
Our dreams make us who we are.
Dream on friend. You first must convince yourself and then...GO GET IT!

May God shine His love on you and increase your boldness and love.
XO


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